by Tommy Gimler
14 MLB teams currently sport a record under .500 in this young 2013 season. And nobody celebrates futility like us. Well, nobody celebrates deplorable futility quite like Taylor Swift, but after her, it’s definitely us. Anyway, since we’re in Joliet, Illinois on a slow Saturday night and we’ve been advised by others to just stay behind our locked hotel room doors, we decided to look at each shitty team and pinpoint at least one shitty stat that has contributed to the team’s shittiness.
Toronto Blue Jays (17-26)
Mark Buehrle has given up at least five earned runs in six of his nine starts and hasn’t won a game since April 15th…
Minnesota Twins (18-21)
Aaron Hicks has the worst batting average in all of baseball (.143) and a worse strikeout-to-hit ratio than Rickie Weeks…
Chicago White Sox (19-22)
Adam Dunn doesn’t do much right these days, and you can add “warming up” to that as well. Even after tweaking his back in the on-deck circle today, Dunn is still on pace to go down on strikes 202 times this year…
Oakland Athletics (21-22)
So much for Moneyball II. This team has sucked ass since the calendar turned over to May. Over their last 15 games, the A’s offense has averaged 2.87 runs per game, and that’s why they’ve only won five of them…
Seattle Mariners (20-23)
Brendan Ryan might play one hell of game at the shortstop position, but he hits like my grandma at the plate, and she’s been dead for eight years. His .178 batting average is pig shit, but don’t start begging for more playing time from his backup Robert Andino just yet. Andino is the only everyday player on the Mariners with an average even more pathetic than Ryan’s (.167)…
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (16-27)
Forget Josh Hamilton’s struggles since he gave up chaw last summer. The biggest fucking loser on this team is Joe Blanton (0-7, 6.62 ERA, 1.97 WHIP). Seriously, when kids with AIDS get to make a wish and hit against a major league pitcher, they should ask to do so against Blanton so they can tell their families on their death beds that they took a major league pitcher yard…
Houston Astros (12-31)
The Astros’ pitching staff has given up more runs than any other staff in baseball, their run differential is -87, and their 5.70 ERA is almost a full run worse than the next most pathetic team (Toronto). Brad Peacock has started five games for Houston this year and hasn’t lasted longer than five innings in any of them…
Philadelphia Phillies (20-23)
What happened to Jimmy Rollins? The Phillies shortstop is currently on pace to strikeout over 100 times for the first time since 2003. He is also on pace to hit 11 home runs, which would be his lowest total since 2010. And his 15 stolen bases would be the lowest total in his career…
New York Mets (16-24)
Ike Davis is terrible, but since he plays on the Mets, nobody has seemed to notice. Davis has compiled multiple strikeouts in 12 games this season, and he struck out 4 times in two of those…
Miami Marlins (11-32)
You can’t win games if you don’t score any runs, and the Marlins have already been shutout eight times this year, and it’s only May 18th. Through 43 games, the Fish are on pace to score 433 runs this year. That would be 150 less than the Houston Astros a year ago…
Chicago Cubs (18-24)
After signing a $52 million contract in the offseason, Edwin Jackson has just one win through nine starts to go along with a 5.76 ERA and 1.52 WHIP…
Milwaukee Brewers (17-24)
Tonight was the first night the Brewers won a game John Axford pitched in since April 30th…
San Diego Padres (19-23)
Clayton Richard is almost ready to return to the rotation, but maybe the Padres should send in a goon to take him out during a rehab game. Richard is 0-4 with an ERA of 8.54 and WHIP of 2.05 in six starts this year, and the Padres have lost five of them. And they went 7-5 without him since May 4th…
Los Angeles Dodgers (17-24)
Josh Beckett is 0-5 this year, and the Dodgers have only won one of his eight starts. Beckett’s last victory came last year on September 30th, and he hasn’t won back-to-back starts since May of last year, and there isn’t enough chicken and beer in this world to turn his fastball into what it once was…