by Tommy Gimler
What’s crazier than the Spanish voice of the Philadelphia Phillies being named Rickie Ricardo? How about the fact that Ricardo might have been responsible for the first ever back-to-back home runs off of Cincinnati Reds closer Aroldis Chapman on Sunday? Or how about the fact that Chapman was able to take the mound without shitting himself after inhaling 18 Cuban pastries before the game?
After shutting down his opponents in his first eight save opportunities in 2013, Chapman had all of sudden become as useful as David Spade. And according to Ricardo, the reason Chapman blew the game on Sunday against the Phillies was because he wolfed down 18 Cuban pastries earlier that morning.
Ricardo told a Philadelphia radio station yesterday that he gave Chapman two boxes of 50 Cuban treats, and Chapman ate so many that he couldn’t breathe, adding, ”I looked at my partner, I said, ‘He’s ripe for the taking today.’”
We’re not sure which medieval movie rape scene Ricardo was watching before he made that statement, but Reds’ manager Dusty Baker wasn’t buying into it. His reasoning?
“Look at him – does he look fat?”
That’s it? There’s no way he could have eaten 18 pastries because he isn’t fat? Apparently, Baker has never had the chance to watch Joey Chestnut or Kobayashi inhale 65+ hot dogs in twelve minutes or a ballerina stuff three Clif Bars into her pie hole before she tickles her throat to get another look at them.
But we get it. It’s a lot funnier when a fat person says they’re hungry because it’s like, “Well, no shit.” So, here’s a list of guys in the game today that maybe Dusty Baker would believe actually could devour 18 pastries on game day:
Pablo Sandoval – 3B, San Francisco Giants
Baseball’s version of Oprah (he’s fat, he loses weight, he’s fat again), any time you’re named after an obese cartoon character voiced by a real-life fat ass like Jack Black, odds are you’re pretty fucking fat…
Jonathan Broxton – P, Cincinnati Reds
At six feet, four inches tall, Jonathan Broxton is a pretty big guy. At 310 pounds, he’ll also pretty fucking fat…
Hyun-Jin Ryu – P, Los Angeles Dodgers
It’s no secret that the Dodgers have a pretty obese payroll, and Ryu was a big part of their offseason splurge. But Ryu looks more like a Korean gamer who just keeps chugging half-gallon cans of Monster in between bags of Fritos in an effort to stay up all night just to get to the next level of Mortal Kombat instead of a Korean athlete. Our suggestion is to drop some lb’s by taking up chain smoking like most of his fellow countrymen…
David Ortiz – DH, Boston Red Sox
The official website for the Boston Red Sox lists David Ortiz’s weight at 250. Unless that’s in tons, we’re calling bull shit…
Heath Bell – P, Arizona Diamondbacks
Why is Heath Bell so excited? Now that the game is over, it’s time to hit up the Tempe Denny’s. Look. When you weigh 250 pounds and you’re ERA is almost double that, then you’re pathetic. Well, fat and pathetic…