by Matty Ballgame
Damn. It’s looks as though Bryce Harper lifted a weight or two in the offseason.
Let’s be honest: Trying to accurately predict how many games a team is going to win over a 162-game season is almost as hard as finding somebody who listens to the Goo Goo Dolls on purpose. I mean, Ken Rosenthal had the Reds and Braves making the postseason last year, and he gets paid to do this shit.
That’s why (for the most part) we’re going to preview every team this year in three sentences or less. Or in this case, we’re having somebody else do it. Because when it comes down to it, we know just as much as everybody else does this time of year: jack shit…
1. Washington Nationals
Quick, what Nats pitcher finished 2014 with 15 wins and a 2.85 ERA? That would be Tanner Roark, now cast off to the bullpen thanks to the arrival of ’13 AL Cy-Young winner Max Scherzer to a team that won 96 games last year. The Nat’s arms are scary good and people in DC haven’t been this excited since the Starr Report came out.
But the team starts the season without their No. 1, 2 and 3 hitters (Span, Rendon & Werth), lost Adam LaRoche and his 25 HR and 90 RBIs to the White Sox and have more men dropping to the DL than that time Frank Costanza cooked bad meat in Korea. They should get healthy fast and back to their NL East dominating ways, but can Drew Storen be trusted to record a save in October? And, will the arms be enough to compensate for a team batting average that has a history of shrinking smaller than George Costanza that time he was in the pool?
The Nats lock up the division with relative ease, but the playoffs are a whole different ballgame…
Daily Upper Decker: 94-68 (1st)
Joel Reuter, Bleacher Report: 100-62 (1st)
Tom Verducci, Sports Illustrated: 99-63 (1st)
Ben Lindbergh, Grantland: Over 93 wins (1st)
Vegas: 93 1/2 wins (1st)
2. Miami Marlins
We polled all the Marlins fans that turned out at the team’s ticket presale and it turns out one guy thought he was going to the new David Beckham soccer team, and the other guy was waiting for Arod and the Yankees to get to town.
But, the people of Miami should really take notice because this squad could hit harder and faster than the pitch that ended Giancarlo “don’t call me Mike” Stanton’s ’14 season. The champs of the offseason boosted an already up and coming pitching staff with veterans Mat Latos and Dan Haren, and added deadly speedster Dee Gordon to create havoc on the base paths while teams have to contend with the aforementioned Stanton at the plate.
But the x-factor is Mike Morse. If the long-haired, 80’s loving slugger stays healthy and gives Stanton some protection in the lineup, they may surprise us all and make a playoff run. Or, they could crash and burn and have a firesale before July. It’s the Marlins, so you never know…
Daily Upper Decker: 88-74 (2nd)
Joel Reuter, Bleacher Report: 88-74 (2nd)
Tom Verducci, Sports Illustrated: 85-77 (2nd)
Ben Lindbergh, Grantland: Over 81 wins (2nd)
Vegas: 82.5 wins (2nd)
3. New York Mets
If Matt Harvey thinks he’s Batman, then surely Sandy Alderson is the Joker for saying this team can win 90 games.
’14 NL Rookie of the Year Jacob DeGrom plays a nice robin to Harvey’s batman, but he must overcome the sophomore jinx. Meanwhile, Harvey’s rush back from TJ surgery may make him more Bruce Jenner (post-op) than Bruce Wayne, and Bartolo Colon’s fatter portrayal of Danny Devito’s Penguin makes this just an ok rotation. The Met’s didn’t address the gaping hole at SS, instead adding aging Michael Cuddeyer to the OF while also moving in the fences (again) for Nancy boy David Wright.
This rotation can deliever and prove us all wrong, but odds are it all adds up to another mediocre, albeit slightly improved 2015 for the boys in Gotham…
Daily Upper Decker: 81-81 (3rd)
Joel Reuter, Bleacher Report: 82-80 (3rd)
Tom Verducci, Sports Illustrated: 82-80 (3rd)
Ben Lindbergh, Grantland: 81-81 (3rd)
Vegas: 81 1/2 wins (3rd)
4. Atlanta Braves
I bet you a Chick-fil-A chx biscuit you can’t name one member of the Braves outfield. And if you said BJ Upton, you’d be wrong, since the overpaid and underperforming Upton is choosing to rebrand as Melvin Upton this year. The Braves have replaced Justin Upton and Jason Heyward with oft-inured Nick Markakis and journeyman Johnny Gomes, and the rotation was ravaged with injuries and TJ surgeries that make Julio Teheran the ace and Shelby Miller the up and comer.
But, lights-out Craig Kimbrel and a strong bullpen means if they can get to the late innings with a lead, they should close it out. It will be a down year for the Braves, but don’t you worry fans of every other team. John Smoltz got elected into the Hall, so we’ll all still get to hear Braves fans chirp all season long about the greatest pitching staff ever that won one World Series over the course of 14 years and something about Bobby Cox and Larry Jones…
Daily Upper Decker: 77-85 (4th)
Joel Reuter, Bleacher Report: 71-91 (4th)
Tom Verducci, Sports Illustrated: 71-91 (4th)
Ben Lindbergh, Grantland: Under 73 wins (4th)
Vegas: 74 1/2 wins (4th)
5. Philadelphia Phillies
Let us sum up the Phillies by adapting one of the greatest scenes in TV history from The Simpsons. In this, the Phillies are playing the part of Bart Simpson:
Nelson: Hey Phillies, your age is showing.
Phillies: (Looks around before falling to the NL East cellar and breaking their pride)
Nelson: HAHA!
Millhouse: Hey Nelson, I think the Phillies pride may be hurt.
Nelson: I said, “HAHA!”
Look there is no hiding it, the Phillies are old and the Phillies are bad. They can’t find someone to take Ryan Howard off their hands, Chase Utley shows flashes of greatness but his knees won’t hold up and Jerome Williams, their number three starter after Aaron Harang and Cole Hamels, pitched to a 4.77 ERA last year and couldn’t stick with the Astros. Speaking of Hamels, the team can’t decide if they want to deal him or not and we think it’d be better to start the fire sale early and rebuild. At least Philly has Chip Kelly to root for, right?
Daily Upper Decker: 70-92 (5th)
Joel Reuter, Bleacher Report: 57-105 (5th)
Tom Verducci, Sports Illustrated: 63-99 (5th)
Ben Lindbergh, Grantland: Under 68 wins (5th)
Vegas: 68 1/2 wins (5th)
Wait, there’s more: 2015 AL West Preview
You have got to see this shit: