by Tommy Gimler
I’m flying nonstop from Miami to LA on American Airlines, a five-and-a-half hour trip, and the fucking airship doesn’t have an internet connection. How in the shit does an airline in America in 2013 not have an internet connection? Plus, the broad in front of me has her seat so far back in my lap that if she turned around, she’d know that I sprayed two squirts of cologne on my balls this morning, not one.
But there are a few things that are keeping this flight from being a total disaster ala Amy Winehouse. For starters, the plane hasn’t crashed, so unlike Winehouse, I still have a pulse. Plus, that broad in front of me is a smoking hottie, as is her friend next to her, and so is the girl next to me. And finally, they just finished showing Silver Linings Playbook. Jennifer Lawrence as a whore with mental issues? Sign me up.
So, since I’m in a Philadelphia state of mind, I figured that the preview for the Philadelphia Phillies was in store. Plus, since so much of their roster feels like they have been there since the sixties, an internet connection probably won’t be necessary.
People outside of Philadelphia are quick to forget that this team was a 102-game winner in 2011, and now that Ryan Howard, Chase Utley, Cliff Lee, and Roy Halladay are all healthy this spring, is a return to top of the NL East really that out of the question? The answer is yes.
But it’s not like the Phillies will be a pig shit team like the Mets. Just like the Nationals and Braves, this team gets 38 games against the Triple-A rosters of New York and Miami. And watching a starting rotation of Hallady, Lee, and Cole Hamels dominate opposing hitters is almost as much fun as watching a fat fuck fall off a treadmill in these previews of The Biggest Loser that they are now showing on the flight. Plus, Jonathan Papelbon is still a top-tier closer even though he says he’s kicked his prescription pill use.
Howard and Utley will be a welcome addition to a lineup that was about as potent as a castrated mule last year, and along with Michael Young at third base, should provide a solid offensive attack in the middle of the Phillies lineup.
But let’s be honest. Their best days, like a homosexual in prison, are behind them. And not even Rainman could tell you what they are going to get out of Jimmy Rollins this year. Between his dog shit attitude and lack of hustle, this once sure thing and former MVP is now instead just an average everyday shortsop.
The Phillies outfield, meanwhile, has more question marks than a married man’s sex life. Ben Revere is onboard courtesy of a trade with Minnesota. He’s a speedster, tallying 74 steals over the past two seasons. But then there’s Delmon Young and Dominic Brown. Brown is unproven and Young is a fat pile of shit who might hit 300 pounds before he turns 30. And then there’s the case of John Mayberry. I thought he was supposed to be good.
Not in question is how catcher Carlos Ruiz was so damn amazing at the plate last year. He’ll miss the first 50 games of 2013 thanks to his PED use.
Look, it’s not going to be a dreadful, like listening to that dude Rachel Maddow talk for ten minutes dreadful, in Philadelphia this year. There is plenty of talent and postseason experience on the roster for that to happen. And if last year’s team won 81 games without Utley, Howard, Lee, and Halladay for big portions of the season, then it’s pretty obvious this year’s squad can be dangerous with all of them healthy.
And while the Phillies might have question marks mixed into that roster as well, so does Atlanta, and it wouldn’t surprise me if the Phils actually finish above the Braves at the end of September. But neither of those squads are built to beat the Nationals over the long haul, so if the Phillies are going to be playing October baseball this year, it will be as a Wild Card…
2012 record: 81-81 (3rd, NL East)
2013 predictions
The DUD: 89-73 (3rd, NL East)
Vegas says: 81.5 wins (3rd, NL East)
Bleacher Report: 87-75 (3rd, NL East)
BaseballGuru.com: 86-76 (2nd, NL East)
Michael Luchies (Yahoo!): 89-73 (2nd, NL East)