by Tommy Gimler
The thugs in Vegas have released the 2014 over/under win totals for all 30 Major League Baseball teams, and let’s just say there are a few more surprises than getting into a car with R. Kelly. Well, unless for some reason he doesn’t piss on you.
While the Atlantis Casino Resort Spa in Reno is always the first to release MLB over/under totals, the Las Vegas Hotel & Casino is the first joint to do it this year that actually matters. This year, 30 wins separate the Los Angeles Dodgers, who come in with the highest win total of 93.5 games, and the pig shit Houston Astros, who come to the table with 63.5 wins in their pocket.
The boys last year weren’t too shabby, as 1/3 of their original totals came within three games of the actual totals after 162 games. Of the 30 O/U totals set in February, 16 overs hit, 13 finished under, and one, the New York Mets, finished with exactly 74 wins just like the boys said they would.
As is the case every year, there are a couple of numbers that get me almost as excited as the thought of my wife rubbing hump holes with Kate Upton. Here’s what I like after just a quick glance:
Chicago White Sox UNDER 77 Wins
Last year’s squad was fucking pathetic, as they couldn’t escape the AL Central cellar even though the Twins lost nine of their last ten games. While I do like the additions of Jose Abreu, Adam Eaton, and eventually Matt Davidson at third base, the fact is that their starting rotation after Chris Sale is about as weak as an AIDS patient. And with their prized reliever Nate Jones already hurt this spring, it’ll be Matt Lindstrom closing the door for the South Siders. I feel about as comfortable saying the White Sox will make a 14-game improvement over last year’s team as I would saying I’m jonesing for Melissa McCarthy to sit on my face…
Toronto Blue Jays OVER 79.5 Wins
Last year’s team was decimated by injuries to Bautista, Cabrera, Encarnacion, Lawrie, Reyes, Rasmus, Morrow, Happ, Santos, and Johnson. That’s kind of a lot to deal with and expect to compete in the AL East much less win the division. Josh Johnson is gone now, but he was a turd anyway. Their starting pitching this year won’t give you an erection, but you have to think with that lineup and maybe the addition of one more pitcher this spring, the Jays could make some noise in the AL East, especially if they can stay healthy…
Philadelphia Phillies UNDER 76 Wins
The Phillies are in trouble. Even the manager at the LVH, whose favorite team is the Phillies, said “It’s hard to believe one team could be so stupid, but the signing of Burnett shows how bad it is. They seem to be obsessed with 37 year-old players.” But I believe Jim Carrey said it even better in Liar Liar when he said, “Simmons is old! He should’ve been out of the game years ago but he can’t stay home because he hates his wife! You’ve met her at the Christmas parties. She’s the one that gets plastered and calls him a retard!”
Washington Nationals OVER 87.5 Wins
With the addition of Doug Fister this offseason, the Nationals’ starting rotation looks like this:
Stephen Strasburg, Gio Gonzalez, Jordan Zimmermann, Fister, and Ross Detweiler
That is by far the best starting rotation in the National League, even better than the Dodgers and perhaps the rest of baseball. There is the perfect mix of youth and experience in D.C. that could gel and do the one thing that’s left to do: win the whole fucking thing. Well, at the very least they should blow past the 87.5 win total like it’s that fat kid in gym class walking the last lap of what was supposed to be a mile run…
Here’s the entire list of 2014 MLB O/U win totals. Good luck, degenerates:
2014 MLB REGULAR SEASON OVER/UNDER WIN TOTALS
DIAMONDBACKS 80
BRAVES 87.5
ORIOLES 78
RED SOX 87.5
CUBS 68.5
WHITE SOX 77
REDS 83.5
INDIANS 80
ROCKIES 75.5
TIGERS 89.5
MARLINS 69.5
ASTROS 63.5
ROYALS 79.5
ANGELS 87.5
DODGERS 93.5
BREWERS 79.5
TWINS 71.5
METS 73.5
YANKEES 85.5
A’S 89
PHILLIES 76
PIRATES 84.5
PADRES 78.5
GIANTS 85.5
MARINERS 80.5
CARDINALS 91.5
RAYS 87.5
RANGERS 86.5
BLUE JAYS 79.5
NATIONALS 87.5